


All I do the Whole Day Through is Dream of You

by sentimental_boy



Series: Matt Murdock imagines [59]
Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-03
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-08-19 10:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8201539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentimental_boy/pseuds/sentimental_boy
Summary: Matt finds out you're engaged, and comes to you, confessing his feelings.





	

Matt’s in love with you. He knows this. You don’t. From where Matt’s sitting, you’re perfectly happy with your boyfriend. But he doesn’t have anything to do with why Matt hasn’t confessed his feelings to you. Matt tells himself that it’s fear. Not fear of rejection, but fear of _your_ rejection. Fear of you telling him to move on, to seek comfort elsewhere. Because he doesn’t think he could handle putting it all out there only to have it given back. Not when he’s finally found the person he could love and hold for the rest of his life. Not when he’s found you. He’d rather be close to you as a friend than not have you in his life at all. But being afraid is only what he thinks it is. It’s an easy thing to lean on; it presents good excuses. It’s not the real issue, though. Fear, Matt could get past. What he’s having trouble with, deep down, where even he won’t acknowledge it, is unworthiness. He sees you with your boyfriend, Happy, _safe_ , and he knows he doesn’t deserve you. He has no right to uproot your life and declare his feelings. Because, as strong as they are, you deserve a normal life, and that’s not something he can offer.

Then you come to him with this information. Your boyfriend proposed. Matt knows you’ve been together for a couple years, he should’ve known this was coming. But he didn’t. He didn’t expect it, but now that he’s thinking about it, he’s not shocked. Surprised, sure. But more than anything, he’s hurt. He knows he has no right to be. He never said anything, and even if he did, he wouldn’t expect you to reciprocate his feelings. What he needs to do now, is focus on being happy for you. And if he can’t do that yet, he needs to make it look like he is. Because all he wants is for you to be happy. Yes, _he’d_ like to be the one to make you happy, but that’s clearly not an option. At least, not in the sense he wants it to be.

“Matt? Are you okay?” Your voice pulls him out of his thoughts.

“What? I mean, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. What about you? What did you tell him?”

“I told him I’d have to think about it.”

“Oh. Well, what's there to think about?”

“I don't know. I just- when he asked, he caught me off guard. I didn't know what to say. I felt… I don't know. Like something was missing.”

“Well, do you even want to get married at all?”

“I'm not opposed to it but it's not a goal or anything either.”

He nods. “Do you love him?” He asks, barely above a whisper.

“I thought I did. But if you're in love, shouldn’t you be excited to get married?”

“I think it’s different for everyone, and it depends on your view of marriage. If you're going to get married, though, you should be happy about it.”

“Yeah.” You sigh. “What about you?”

“What about _me_?”

“Yeah, what's your view of marriage?”

“Uh, I think it could be good one day, with the right person.”

“Any prospects?” You bump his shoulder with yours, almost falling off the barstool in the process. Matt catches you, though, guiding you back onto your seat. You lose track of time as you sit there, leaning on him and gazing at the natural contours of his face. That one, short moment, stretching on for what feels like minutes.

“You alright?” He murmurs, his hands grasping your forearms.

“Yeah.” You snap out of your haze. “I must’ve had more than I thought.”

A soft smile comes to rest on his face. “Maybe it’s time for you to go home.”

“Yeah, I’m thinking you’re right.”

“I’ll take you.”

-0-

It’s all Matt can do not to just steer you to his apartment and let you spend the night there. But he knows you have a loving boyfriend- or soon to be fiance- waiting for you at your apartment. He knows you’re safe there, and he knows he has no right doing anything else. So he holds you close, shielding you from the city, as he walks you home. When he gets you up the stairs to your apartment, he passes you over to your boyfriend and goes home.

-0-

“So, now that everyone’s here, I have some news.” You take your fiance’s hand and look over at him with a smile. “We’re engaged.”

Matt knew this was going to happen, he should’ve been more prepared for the news. Still, some foolish part of him hoped you’d wake up and realize that you didn’t want to marry this man. That you’d tell him you didn’t want to marry him, and then Matt could bide his time, help you heal, and be the one you fell in love with. But none of that happened. None of that is _going_ to happen. Matt has enough presence of mind to smile along as Karen and Foggy congratulate you. He hears them ask you all sorts of questions about the proposal and the wedding. Somewhere, he hears Foggy ask where the ring is. You laugh and tell him that you’re going to pick it out together. Everything blends together for Matt after that. He knows he should be happy for you- and he tries. He _really_ tries. But he can’t get over the sinking feeling in his stomach. He loves you more than he knows how to express, even if he could bring himself to do it.

“Matt, you’re awfully quiet over there.” Your fiance points out.

Matt forces out a laugh, hoping it comes across lighter than he feels. “These two sound like they have it covered.”  He shrugs, hoping to god that he hasn’t zoned out for that long. In any case, everyone seems to agree and move on.

By the end of the night, Matt has finally worked up enough strength to hug you goodbye and tell you he’s happy for you. It’s not a lie; it’s because he loves you that he can be happy that you’re happy, even if it’s tearing him apart inside.

-0-

Over the next few weeks, Matt gets more and more reclusive until finally Foggy all but breaks down his door.

“We’re going to sit down and you’re going to tell me what the hell is going on with you, Murdock.” Foggy says as he walks in.

“Foggy, I don’t-” Matt rubs the back of his neck and chuckles. “I don’t know what you want me to tell you.”

“Don’t lie to me Matt. I know you. This isn’t a Daredevil thing, right?”

Matt considers lying to him. Saying yes just so he’ll back off. But he doesn’t. He knows he can- and if he’s being honest with himself, probably _should_ trust Foggy with this. “It’s y/n.” He sighs as he sits across from where Foggy’s sitting on the sofa.

“Oh. Did something happen?”

Matt laughs, something bitter and broken. “She got engaged.”

“Wait. Am I missing something here? Did you two have a thing?”

Matt puts his face in his hands. “No. And that's the worst part. I have no right to feel so broken right now.”

“So you like her.” Foggy nods. “Been there buddy. Many times. Usually with one of your girlfriends. If you’d call them that.”

Matt scoffs. “No Foggy; you don’t get it. This isn’t just some crush that I’ll get over.” He shakes his head. “I _love_ her.”

“And she doesn’t feel the same?”

Matt lets out a humorless laugh. “I don’t think she’d be getting married to another man if she felt the same.”

“But you haven’t told her how you feel.” Matt’s silence is answer enough. “Matt, if you really love her this much, you need to tell her. She’s not married yet. It’s not too late.”

“I can’t do that to her. She’ll just let me down easy, then we’ll grow apart and-”

“Matt. I know she loves you. Now, if she loves you as more than a friend, I don’t know. But you owe it to yourself, _and_ her to tell her how you feel. You’re not going to lose her. And before you tell me she’s getting married, _again_ , let me tell you: people get married for all sorts of reasons.”

Matt rolls his eyes with a huff. “I’m pretty sure they’re both American citizens.”

“Aside from a marriage of convenience, sometimes people get married because they think it’s the next step in life. It’s what they should be doing. Family pressure-”

“You and I both know y/n’s not one for social decorum. And she’s not going to get pressured into this type of thing.”

“Okay, you’re right. Some people get married because they think they won’t find anyone else, so they settle.”

“She could have anyone she wanted. No. She’s in love, and I’m not going to ruin this for her.”

“Can I just point out one more possibility?”

Matt sighs and gives a minute nod.

Foggy runs with it. “What if she feels the same about you, but she doesn’t think it’s on the table? What if she has the same doubts you do? Maybe she likes this guy, so she settles for the second best.”

“Then, I’d say that’s creative. Even for you.”

Foggy shrugs. “You won’t know unless you talk to her.”

-0-

Matt made a decision. He’s chosen every day since he discovered his feelings for you to bury them. Except he can’t. No matter how hard he tries, he can't bury them, he can't burn them out, so he has to live with them. This pain clenching at his heart every time you walk in the room; every time he thinks about you. But still, he makes the decision not to tell you. He makes it over and over again; day after day. Just like he makes the decision not to kill every night as Daredevil. At least that he has good reason for. At least that tethers him to the rest of the world, reminds him that he’s doing the right thing. But this, holding his feelings in when he could so easily just tell you? Why? For what purpose? Why does he inflict this torture on himself without even giving you a say? Just like that; all his well thought out reasonings don't seem so reasonable anymore. He has to tell you.

-0-

You’re sitting alone in your apartment- your fiance off to work- when you think you see a figure outside the window. You look out into the darkness, trying to spot what was there a minute ago but soon decide you're just paranoid. So you go back to your computer. Then you hear a tapping on the glass. This time, when you look, you see the figure again. It’s hard with so little light, but now you can see the distinct silhouette of a man crouching on the fire escape. A man with horns. What the hell is Daredevil doing tapping on your fire escape? What do you do? You sure as hell aren’t letting him in, but he also doesn’t look like he’s going to move anytime soon.

From what you can tell, it looks like he sighs, then you hear clicking as he messes with the lock. Then one final click before he slides the window open and climbs in. You stand and reach for your stun gun because you'll be damned if you go down without a fight.

“Hey, y/n, it's okay.” he puts his hands up.

“What do you want?” You spit.

“I’m just going to take my mask off, okay?”

You nod.

The vigilante lowers his hands, lifting his mask to reveal…

“Matt?!”

He gives a sheepish nod.

“Matt?! What the hell? I don’t- I don't even know what to address first. Why are you dressed as Daredevil? Why did you decide to scare the ever-loving shit out of me by breaking in? Why didn't you just come through the door like a normal human being? Why are you here- and dressed as Daredevil?”

Now that it’s all setting in, Matt’s realizing that this may not have been the best course of action. In any case, he’s here now, and you deserve answers. Whether those answers will make the situation better, he doesn’t know. So sighs and walks over to the sofa. “Can I sit?”

“Of course Matt.”

“Do you mind putting the stun gun down?” He gives you a cheeky grin.

You roll your eyes. “Just sit down and tell me what the hell is going on.” You set the stun gun on the coffee table and sit next to him.

“So, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’m not just dressed as Daredevil.”

“Cut the shit, Matt.”

He just presses his lips into a thin line and raises his brows.

“Oh God. You’re not joking.” You look him over, his tight suit accentuating his muscles, vacant eyes hovering at your chin. “But how?”

“Can we come back to that?”

“I guess.” You shrug, not knowing what to do with this situation.

“Thank you. So, tonight, I was patrolling the streets, when I realized I wasn't patrolling at all. Y/n,” he takes your hands. “I couldn't stop thinking about you.”

Your mind immediately starts trying to figure out how he meant that. Your romantic side wants him to be thinking about you the way you’ve always seen him but never let yourself dwell on. Your insecure side reminds you that you’re close friends, and he was probably worried about you for some reason. Your logical side reminds you that you have a fiance now. “Okay, you're really not giving me any context here.”

He sighs. “Y/n, I love you. I have for years now, but I never thought you saw me like that, so I didn’t say anything.” He shakes his head. “I still don’t think you see me that way. I know you’re engaged, but I couldn’t let you go through with this wedding without telling you how I feel about you. I’ve been so afraid of losing you because I care too much, that I’m afraid I waited too long. _Please_ , don’t marry him.”

You don’t know how to respond to that. You don’t even know what you’re feeling. Other than shocked. Do you really love Matt like this? Or has it always been your secret crush? Is it something to break off your engagement for? Could you hurt your fiance like this? Even if you do love Matt, you care about your fiance too. Of course you do. You wouldn’t have agreed to marry him otherwise. All at once, the bridal website that was sitting so innocently on the coffee table before, is blinding you. “Matt-” you let out a breath in disbelief. “Honey, I don’t know what to tell you.”

He takes a deep breath and nods, pulling his hands back. “I understand. I just- I needed to let you know before it was really too late. I don’t know what I was expecting.” He goes to get up, but you grab his arm.

“I don’t want to lead you on, but it’s not completely out of the question.”

He furrows his brows. “What?”

“Matt, I’ve always liked you as more than a friend, but I thought the same thing you did. I thought we were just friends and I didn’t want to make it weird.” You shake your head. “God, if one of us would’ve just _said_ something we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.”

“I’m sorry.”

You look at his guilt-ridden face. “Hey, I didn’t say anything either.” The two of you lose track of time as you sit in silence, each of you lost in their own train of thought. After you’ve gone in circles countless times, you come to one conclusion. “Well, I think it’s clear that if I’m even considering letting something happen between you and me, I need to break it off with _him_ first.”

He gives you a tight-lipped smile. “I’m sorry, again.”

“It’s not your fault. Not really. You just showed me that I was about to make a mistake. As hard as it’s going to be, it wouldn’t be fair to him in the long run.”

He nods and pulls you into a hug. “I hate to leave you like this, but-”

“No, I think it’s for the best.” You squeeze him.

“Are you going to be okay?” He asks as he pulls back.

“Yeah, I just need to sort through everything that just happened, and everything that’s about to happen.”

He ducks his head down and gives you a pained look. “Let me know what happens.” He pauses. “Whatever you end up doing, just know that I’ll be here for you. As a friend, or something more, if you want it.”

“Ugh. Stop being perfect and leave me to bury myself in my thoughts for the next hour.”

“Is that when he gets home?”

“Yeah.”

“You know where to find me.” He states before he puts his mask back on and crawls out the window.

You shake your head, willfully ignoring the vigilante part of this soap opera that has become your life in the last hour.

-0-

You’re sitting at Josie’s later that night, when Matt comes in and sits next to you.

“Hey, thanks for coming.” You say, already moving onto your second drink.

“Of course. How’d it go?”

“About how you’d expect. It’s not like _good_ is an option.”

“Yeah, I guess not. Do you even want to talk about it right now?”

You sigh. “It’s fine. At first, he didn’t believe it. Thought it was some sort of cruel joke. When I explained what happened and why he had this look of utter betrayal. He thought I was cheating on him with you. I rushed to tell him that we never did anything, but it didn’t make it better. He started crying, then _I_ started crying. I tried to comfort him, but I couldn't because I’m the one who broke it off. I’m the one who has someone’s arms to run to at the end of the night. What right do I have to be crying?” You sigh. "It's safe to say that I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet right now."

Matt pulls you in for a hug. “Hey, whether you loved him or not, you still care about him. You’ve still been with him for years, and now that’s all over. Just because you’re the one breaking it off doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to grieve.”

You sniff and down the rest of your second drink. “Still. It felt like I was mocking his pain. God, I feel so bad. He must be feeling like shit right now.”

Matt doesn’t say anything, he just runs his hands along your back, letting you tell him everything that happened.

-0-

It’s been a week, and Matt hasn’t talked to you much at all since that night. Not for lack of trying; no. He’s called you a few times- and you’ve answered. You’ve just been short with him. He can tell you’re not mad, and it’s not even on purpose. You just need time. So that’s what he gives you. He still invites you out with Foggy and Karen, he still calls you, but as much as he wants to, he doesn't make another move romantically. And God, does he _want_ to. When he senses you’re low, he wants to pull you close and kiss your forehead, telling you it’s going to be okay. When you’re happy, he wants to lean in and plant little kisses starting at your shoulder, working his way up your neck, to your jaw, until he gets to your mouth. He wants to stay up late with you, talking about everything and nothing, your legs tangled with his, fingers intertwined. He wants everything you’ll give him. But he wants it to be perfect. Not rushed, or forced, or uncomfortable; he wants to do it right. So, now that he’s told you about his feelings for you, and you broke off your engagement- kind of for him, he lets you make the next move.

Except you haven’t. It’s been a week and you haven’t even acknowledged that he poured out his soul to you that night. He knows it’s still your right to tell him you’d rather stay friends, but he’d like to know where he stands. He’s starting to wonder if _you_ even know. Then you ask him dinner. It’s not a fancy place; you didn’t even say it was a date. But it’s the first time you’ve been alone together since he told you he loves you. And it’s enough for him.

“Hey Matt, sorry I’m late. I call you here weeks after… _that night_ , and I don’t even bother to show up on time. You must know how much you mean to me.” You sigh as you put your purse down.

He gives you a smile. “It’s fine. Shit happens.”

You let out a laugh and shake your head. “Indeed it does.” You pause. “So, do you know what you want?”

“Yeah, you?”

“Yeah.”

You make small talk with Matt until the waitress comes and takes your order.

“So, y/n, now that we’ve ordered, why did you call me here?” Matt asks. “I mean, I don’t expect anything; there doesn’t have to be a reason. I just figured…” He sighs. “There might be.” He finishes, rubbing his neck.

“Yeah, there is. I wanted to address the elephant in the room.”

“Ah yes, my unwarranted love confession which led to you breaking off your engagement. Where are you on that, exactly?”

You roll your eyes and proceed to inform him of this. “In answer to your question: Matt, I like you a lot.”

“I get the feeling there’s a but.”

“There’s not but. I just- I thought I loved him, and all it took was you coming to me with your confession, and I was rethinking everything. So how can I trust what I feel for you?”

“Y/n, maybe you did love him; maybe you still do. Maybe you always will. I don’t think you would’ve considered anything with me if you loved him like that.”

“I know. I told _you_ that.” You sigh. “If I’m honest- more honest than I’ve even been with myself- I’ve always felt this for you. I just never thought…”

He reaches over, taking one of your hands in his. “You never thought what?”

You let out a breathy laugh. “I don’t know why this is so hard for me. You had no idea how I’d react but you still came to me. Now, here I am, too scared to even finish my sentence even though you’ve already told me you love me. Matt, I didn’t think you felt the same way. You were so charming and I didn’t see why you’d be interested in me.”

Matt laughs.

“I know, it sounds so pathetic.”

“That’s not what I was thinking at all.” He stands and comes around to sit on your side of the booth. You look over at him, confused, but he just puts his arm around you. “I laughed because I couldn’t think of anything further from the truth. Also, I was a little intimidated by you at first. Then I had the same thoughts.” He leans closer. “How could a woman so smart, and witty, and brave, not to mention _gorgeous_ fall for me? The answer was simple. She couldn’t. So I never said anything.”

You snort. “Well, I guess we both underestimate ourselves then.”

“I guess we do.” He strokes your arm. “I’m ready to be there for you, to build you up every day. If you’ll let me. Just say the word.”

“Matt, I love you. I want this.”

He leans in, taking your face in his hands, and connecting your lips. It feels this side of desperate, but that’s understandable; it’s been a long time coming. When you part, you look at his face; there’s a hint of a smile on his lips, and for once, he looks serene. You bring your hand up to his neck, running your thumb along his jaw.

“You know, I’ll be there for you too. Whatever you need.”

He leans in and gives you a chaste peck on the lips. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear that.” He reaches across the table for his glass, holding it up. “To our future.”

You smile and clink your glasses together. “Our future.”


End file.
